At the moment I’m reading this great book about how to run your finances. One of the chapters in the book is called: He who controls the past controls the future, he who controls the present controls the past by R.K. Although I’m not going to talk about finances because I still have a lot to learn on that subject; I found that the title perfectly fitted in a more personal context: the fear of commitment.
For many years I’ve let past experiences control my present but reading these lines makes me realise that I don’t have to let it be that way, not anymore.
As many of my writings, I tend to write out of life’s tough learned lessons.. I couldn’t let what had happen to me in the past control the rest of my life and thus I learned that I had to control the past in order to plan a better future.
Life gave me lemons in different forms, most of them in relationship forms. At a young age I found myself in a court room where my parents decided to officialise their divorce. Because of that from a young age I knew that love doesn’t always last, although I claimed to believe in the opposite.
After spending a few years with my father we quickly moved to Europe where we grew up with our aunt. Leaving the country where I was born behind together with my parents and other siblings I then realised that even that relationship doesn’t last for eternity. Adding to that, our aunt who was supposed to be our sole family in Europe ended up to be an abusive figure in our early pre-teenage and teenage years. Again I was shown that love even coming from your own relatives could be taken away from you. Fast forward ten years ago, or a little less; my best friend got involved with someone I was dating at the time. This too crushed me double time. Cause this thought me that you could lose not only the love that came into your life by a natural string, but also the love that you choose to bring into your life could be taken away from you in such a brutal way. With this last one I was more hurt for loosing a friend that I loved, trusted and cared for dearly than loosing the guy I had a crush on at the time. I felt like my friendship was betrayed, a friendship something so pure and innocent. Ever since I build walls around me in every relationship I entered in, this being a friendship or a romantic relationship. I thought myself how to love from a distance and I got so good at it that I could trick someone into a romantic relationship while I still held the walls around the fort of my heart high and strong. I often wondered why I wasn’t able to build strong deep meaningful and everlasting relationships anymore. This was because I got so good in making people feel as if they didn’t really matter in my life. By doing so I could keep my bruised heart protected from potential hurt. I couldn’t afford to let anyone in who could potentially one day hurt me in one way or another, and so I took the upper hand.
But you see safe heaven can be a lonely place to be. We go through this human experience not so that we can find a way to avoid all the pain and hurt but so that we can find a way to learn to get up and keep going even when we are hurt and wounded. Life is not about avoiding the pain but about accepting it and learning to still see the beauty in it. You see I managed to forgive everyone who ‘s ever hurt me, I even forgave myself from being so tough on myself. But forgiveness is easy. It’s tougher to put yourself out there again and let people in this secret garden of yours.
I created thousands and one rules to keep love on a distance and it worked for a long time. But the perks is that love is a currency in human relationships, a rule to live on by in humans life. It is as necessary as the water you drink or the sunlight on your skin. You can only live without it for so long, after that you need to receive it in a high dose otherwise you lose the sense of being.
I believe it would take a strong wind, a force greater than anything I’ve ever known so far to pull down the walls that I’ve build so carefully over the years. But in the meantime, I decided to open the door into the fort of my heart, into new friendships, into new trusts, into true love. The opening is small and I still guard it with all my might but I trust that one day I could love so purely that I could allow myself to let my heart float in the air without being afraid to fall. Cause I’ve learned that the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and in return to be loved.